Why intimacy matters

When I raise the subject of intimacy to a group of leaders, it provokes an interesting reaction. With some it resonates deeply, with others it terrifies them. Observe your reaction?

Let me start by trying to define what intimacy means. Years ago, a mentor of mine shared that intimacy means, IN-TO-ME-SEE. This says it all.

In an earlier newsletter I shared one of the ‘gifts’ from my African heritage is the Zulu greeting, Sibona. Literally translated, it means, “I see you and by seeing you, I bring you into being.” By legitimising the other we create the space for intimacy to welcome others in.

Intimacy matters for 3 main reasons:    

1. Intimacy builds TRUST
   Based on David Maister’s Trust Equation, intimacy is one of the 4 core elements to building trust. I would argue, of the 4 elements, credibility, reliability and selflessness, intimacy has greatest impact on building trust-based relationships. Intimacy is built when we are open to admit to mistakes, ask others for help and acknowledge what you don’t know. When last did you?
   

2. Intimacy builds CONNECTION
   Intimacy welcomes others in. The lack of intimacy warns others off. As rational beings, we are driven to connect – to feel part of something and together, make a difference. To be intimate does not mean having to share matters that are personal and private. Rather, it’s about emotional proximity. Intimacy creates the space for us to be who we are, with others. So, who do you become when you are with others?
   

3. Intimacy builds SAFETY
   As humans, we are always taking care of our safety – both our physical and psychological safety. The reason we avoid difficult conversations is because we fear the consequences of speaking our truth. It feels safer to silence our truth. How safe do others feel with you?

When others feel seen, valued, and heard, you are leading. As a leader, what could you do to bring greater intimacy into your relationships and have more impact?